Trevor Blake: Thinking of Joining the Military?
Ten-Hut! Thinking of joining the military? Before you sign on the dotted line, here are some options to consider.
Do you like breathing? Then you may want to postpone your military service, as one in ten recruits is infected with the adenovirus. The andeovirus is a respiratory virus that has a vaccine, but the military stopped issuing the two pills needed to keep our soldiers healthy and alive years ago because it was ‘too expensive.’ That can only mean it’s cheaper to get a new soldier than keep the old one breathing. You place your bets and you takes your chances.
Do you like medical care when you get sick? Then you might prefer to flip burgers at the local mall, as the Veterans Administration has been overburdened for decades and there is a current backlog of more than 300,000 claims. You may have a wait of several months to get seen for your medical needs. President Bush has the answer to this problem: cut the Department of Veterans Affairs, which handles benefits claims.
Do you prefer contracts to be honored? Then consider staying in school, as the U. S. Military is telling soldiers that the contracts they signed are not valid – their tour of duty is being extended, and fuck you if you think you signed a document that said otherwise.
Do you like it when the bullets stay outside of your body? Then think about moving to Canada, as over fifty thousand US soldiers have been deployed without effective body armor.
Are you a military family? Then get ready for the long goodbye, as the military is not making efforts to keep some of your family alive while putting other family members in harm’s way. Parents are seeing not one but all of their children going to the front lines. And children are seeing not one but both parents being deployed.
Do you want the right person to work at the right job? Then get your passport in order, as the military has not much to do with being a meritocracy. Women want to rise to the limit of their ability, but are disallowed. Minorities want to take on their share of the responsibility, but are disproportionately taking on the majority of the responsibility. And homosexuals? Well, you know…
Alright, soldier, now you know. The next time a military recruiter comes around, make sure they are confronted with these facts and make sure those around you hear them as well. The United States is currently not supporting its military – stay out until they do.
Addendum, June 2011: see also The Bonus Army.
